Yesterday I wrote my newsletter and got it set up and sent. I also think I rested after a very busy weekend, though I wasn't aware of it at the time. Instead I was dismayed to find myself with no motivation or initiative, and slipped into condemnation/frenzy mode. That is a weird and irrational state of mind wherein I fret and feel anxious while trying to decide if I should write the newsletter or work on Black Box, both seeming equally urgent. Finally, unable to decide, I leave them both undone and go off to talk on the phone or read a book, during which time I am completely relaxed. What's up with that? Actually, I think the real problem, as I said, was that I was more tired than I realized because when I woke up this morning I had no problem getting to work.
Today I also realized that I was once again trying to change time. I had the idea that I should do all my normal things in the new little routine I've made up -- housework, write, exercise, Bible class -- and in addition, compose the newsletter, sign, package and mail books, and write out the answers to one blogger's interview questions for the Christian Science Fiction and Fantasy Blog tour coming up next week (the one that's featuring Return of the Guardian King) all in the same amount of time.
I have this weird problem with time skewing. I remember once when we were driving up to Greer, AZ. We had a set amount of miles to go and we were traveling a constant rate of speed. Simple math proved it would take us a full hour yet I kept hoping -- fervently -- that it would only take us half an hour. I was doing that yesterday with all my "To Do's". I stopped doing it today. Obviously I cannot do double the work in the same time, so that meant I had to cut out some of the work. Black Box, the least urgent, is now "simmering" while I work on next week's interview.
The questions are good. They take a lot of thought and then, once I've answered, more thought and revision. I've also come up with two ideas and a good deal of text for my own posts next week. We'll see if they actually get posted.
I've also been getting some phenomenal responses to Return of the Guardian King as readers begin to contact me after having finished it. Not just simple "I loved it!" emails, but fairly lengthy missives detailing the reader's reactions. After months of not too much of this, and more months of wondering if the book was ever going to work, this is sweet, and I am very grateful.
A part of me is also giving the other part of me a stern shake and saying, "See what an idiot you were to doubt your Father? He knew all along, and you had no reason to lose your confidence in Him for even one moment." I know, I know. And every time this kind of thing happens, it's that much more of a store of things I have to fall back on when things get dicey again, as I know they will. I remember reading through my journals for previous books while I was writing RotGK and finding the same fears. But every time I sidestepped the truth with the claim that "this one is different." Well, it may be the book itself is different, and it may be that I am different, and the time is different, but the gift is the same and so is my Lord. Maybe on this next time I will really remember that.