Sunday, September 21, 2008

His Order and Timing

Last Friday, I had a bit of a revelation.

I was reflecting on that day's writing stint (and yes, I have maintained my two hours at least a day of 100% concentration on the writing) and asked myself if with every book the writing of it seems more hopeless than the last book, and every time the Lord comes through... why do I keep doubting Him? If I truly believe He is the one doing it, and all I have to do is get out of His way, then my most important job (along with or maybe even moreso than showing up and giving 100% concentration) is to stay in fellowship.

That day, as I'd begun to consider the chapter, the problems, the questions, possible solutions, the new problems created by those solutions ("but if I do that, the book will end up way too long!"), I began to get anxious and tense. In the past I might have wandered off in search of something less disturbing, but this time I suddenly recognized the thought testing that was coming to me from the work itself. And the fact that I was approaching it with the wrong mindset -- ie, that it's something I'm doing, a set of problems I have to solve. Now. Or else!

I didn't even notice when I'd made the switch in my thinking, but I did notice the increasing tension, as I said, and the mounting desire to do somthing else. Really, to run away. So I confessed my fear and arrogance and recalled -- it's not my problem. I'm not writing this book, He is. Through me, yes, but He's doing it. All I had to do was read through the material I'd written yesterday and do whatever occurred to me. Or, more specifically, do whatever He told me to do at any given point. Easy.

So I did that -- worked my way roughly through pg 10 of chapter 8 and to the point where I think I'll break off with Cam's pov and switch to Zowan's.

The chapter's still not right, but I remind myself that God will reveal the elements of this book in His time and His order and my task is to be aware of that, note what He has done and forget about what He hasn't. Yet. I really don't have a clue, even yet, what this book is truly about and how everything is going to happen, but He does and I am learning (slowly) that He doesn't reveal things in the way I would consider most logical or even necessary. He reveals them as He wills, and the cool thing about that is that it reminds me over and over, every day, that He's doing it and I'm not. That without Him I'm nothing.

It's not up to me to figure out what all is going to happen, how to present what, what elements really are key and what are not. Yes, I know in time I will see those, but me striving to figure all that out is not something that works when I have as little time as I do. I think He's given me these deadlines to put me exactly in that place. So that I will always be clueless, and always be reminded that I am not doing it, and so can take no credit.

I can take credit for making positive decisions toward learning His word on a daily basis, submitting myself to my prepared pastor teacher, and sitting my butt on the writing chair and reading yesterday's work. And that's about it!

Today (I'm writing this on Sunday) I took completely off from not only the book but the computer (last week I discovered the dismaying fact that when I try to put in too much more than the two hours I start to get the carpal tunnel again). Tomorrow I'll be back at it, but this morning's message was a series of reminders of the truth of what I've just written here. He does it, we don't. I must decrease, He must increase. In my thinking. In my motivation... When I truly understand how much He loves me, life -- and writing! -- is fun.